My parents just came back from Singapore today, I'm so happy! You know, after a week of being on our own. It's not too bad, actually, being on our own. I've always wanted to be on my own, cooking my meals myself and grating my cheese myself and all, and being independent. But you know, I won't have a father to fix my Internet for me if it screws up..... xD Or unplug my toilet bowl, or fix the printer (or to hug and kiss) lol! But they're back and the toilet will be unplugged soon xD
After they came back with a whole heap of Korean DVDs for us to watch, I was just thinking about what was going to happen to us in the future. Really, what's going to happen to us? What will happen after we move in to Stonyfell? Will they go back to Singapore after we three sisters enter university? Will they leave us here alone again?
People asked me what's wrong with my facebook status. That depressing status doesn't say all about what I'm suffering right now. I'm at war in my head. My head is a constant battlefield worrying about whatever is going to happen next. Worrying about the next dish to cook, while putting up a strong front and pretending everything's alright. Worrying about my cousin back home because I love her so much and I don't even have a single clue about what is happening back home. I don't want to show my emotions so easily now and allow people to read my face like it's a transparent storybook. When I was homesick, I was calling Pamela everyday and sobbing into the phone like a freak. I don't even think she understood half the things I was choking out to her, but my gratitude and love to her for helping me through that period of my life has no boundaries.
I want to express how much I love my parents too, but I don't know how to. It seems wrong to say this, and I know how much my parents love me too. But I don't know how to express it, and it always saddens me when my family thinks I'm too busy with my own things to even care for them (which sometimes may come across as that) but I really do...... When my dad scoops my sister into a hug and kiss but he doesn't really do that to me at all. When all I do at night is just stare up into the ceiling while my dad cuddles my sister in the next bed. But it might be because sometimes I like to put a barrier up in front of me, and throw grenades at the next person who might hurt me. I told you, my mind's a constant war front -_- What a charming analogy.
And there's another thing about relationships. It frustrates me so much. At this time of my life, having a boyfriend is completely unneccessary and will most probably distract me from my final year exams coming up next year. But there is so much around me that keep on making me think otherwise. Relationship problems with one of my friends don't seem to help either. Girlfriend and Best friend are two completely different things and I don't plan to be his girlfriend at any time of my life. I know, I used to like him but YOU are the one with him right now, not me and not anyone else. So he's your boyfriend and not mine, so don't worry that I'm going to come along one day and snatch him from you. I won't jump down a building just because both of you together. I have much better things to do than that. I'll much rather stick to having his trust that I once broke.
But you two are the cutest couple ever and I genuinely wish you to last lonqqqqqqqq~ (typical Singaporeans and their habit to replace 'G' with a Q') Last lonq Last long haahhaha ^_^
All I want is security. I want to be with my family in a stable house where I know for certain that our future is there. What's going to happen to us in Australia? Will I be moving here for the rest of my life, and will I become all soppy and homesick again? And as much as I would like it, I don't need a boyfriend to keep my head stable. My head's already at a war as it is, I'm already going mad. The future is so blurry I can't even see it. Sitting in town yesterday while waiting for the other guys and girls to come, I prayed. For the first time in a long while. And call myself a Christian!? Yes, I prayed. I prayed hard and I wrote down everything on my notebook about what I'm so worried about. Research project. The biology presentation coming up tommorow, and there's a barbecue with the family guests tonight. Cleaning the home, and cooking meals.
It's no wonder my eyes have become slits (and they used to be big okay, not the typical asian eyes or what have you) and I'm getting wrinkles, worry lines and one pimple popping up on my nose bridge......
Labels: rant
